Healing from Within: Letting Go of Toxic Relationships From an Enneagram Perspective
Photo Description: Two people on a couch phasing away from each other. One has their head in their hands. In the middle of this image is a light blue square with the words “Healing From Within Letting Go of Toxic Relationships From an Enneagram Perspective By Kandace Ledergerber, EMDR Therapist & Yoga Teacher”
So, I know I am slightly late to the Enneagram party people have been having for decades… AND I have to share with you that I have been reading and listening to more content surrounding the Enneagram and have found it helpful and purposeful not just in my personal life but in my professional one as well. Because of this, I was inspired to write this blog post discussing how trauma survivors can foster healthy relationships and start to disentangle themselves from toxic ones, incorporating Enneagram information. In the journey towards healing from trauma, one of the most transformative steps can be removing unhealthy relationships from your life. This process is challenging, especially when these relationships are deeply ingrained within family cycles. In this blog, we'll explore how EMDR therapy, particularly in the vibrant city of Phoenix, can be a powerful tool in this process. Additionally, we'll delve into how understanding your Enneagram type can provide tailored insights into this healing journey. I will add this caveat - I am not an Enneagram expert; in fact, I would definitely consider myself a novice. However, this is what I have come up with in my reading and research and how it resonated with me in my clinical experience and my personal experience as a human being.
If you are unfamiliar with the Enneagram, let me provide some background information. The Enneagram is a personality system that offers profound insights into the core motivations, fears, and desires that shape our behavior and perspectives. It categorizes individuals into nine distinct personality types, each with unique strengths and challenges. Understanding our Enneagram type can be instrumental in the healing process as it provides a roadmap for self-discovery and personal growth. It’s fascinating how it can shed light on deep-seated patterns and offer a framework for transformation. The Enneagram empowers individuals to navigate past wounds, foster healthier relationships, and ultimately embark on a journey toward greater self-compassion and authenticity. It serves as a valuable tool in therapy, offering a personalized approach to healing and self-empowerment.
Photo Description: Two hands reaching out from either sides of the frame with a white background. Both hands are holding either side of a black heart paper cut out.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Recognizing Toxic Relationships and Identifying the Signs
To embark on a healing journey, it's crucial to recognize toxic relationships. These can manifest in various ways, from emotional manipulation to constant negativity. Understanding the signs is the first step towards reclaiming your authentic voice and well-being. There are many ways toxic traits can play out in relationships, but here are some common ones to be on the lookout for. If you identify with one or more of these traits, it’s essential to seek support and help from someone you trust. This could be a therapist or counselor or a trusted family member or friend. Recognizing these signs is the first step toward making positive changes in a relationship. Remember, you deserve a relationship that uplifts and supports you.
Lack of Respect: Disregarding boundaries you set or opinions and feelings you express.
Constant Criticism or Belittling: Regularly putting you down or demeaning you, leaving you with low self-worth and self-esteem.
Manipulation and Control: Manipulative behavior, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or controlling actions, is a red flag.
Dishonesty and Betrayal: Trust is foundational in any healthy relationship. Continuous lying, deceit, or betrayal erode trust and create toxicity.
Isolation from Others: A toxic partner may try to isolate you from friends and family, creating a sense of dependency.
Excessive Jealousy or Possessiveness: Healthy relationships are built on trust. If a partner is overly possessive or constantly jealous, it's a sign of insecurity and control.
Unresolved Conflict: In a toxic relationship, conflicts are often swept under the rug, leading to unresolved issues and resentment.
Emotional and Physical Abuse: Any form of abuse, be it emotional, verbal, or physical, is a clear sign of toxicity and requires immediate intervention.
Consistent Negativity: If the relationship feels consistently negative, draining, or emotionally exhausting, it's likely toxic.
Lack of Support or Empathy: In a healthy relationship, partners support each other's goals and well-being. Toxicity is evident when there's a lack of empathy or understanding towards you, your goals, and your overall well-being.
Unequal Effort: If one partner consistently puts in more effort while the other is disengaged or indifferent, it creates an unhealthy imbalance.
Repetitive Patterns of Hurtful Behavior: When hurtful behaviors persist despite promises of change, it's a sign of toxicity.
Gaslighting and More Gaslighting: If you find yourself constantly doubting your perceptions, feelings, or memories due to someone else's persistent denial or manipulation, you may be experiencing gaslighting.
Breaking Free from Family Cycles and Navigating the Challenge
Photo Description: A group of arrows form a circle. The image is photographed using a very shallow depth of field.
Photo by DNY59
I know this is not easy, especially when family cycles and dynamics often create a cycle within ourselves that we must untangle. Family cycles of trauma can often create a narrative that these types of relationships are “Just Normal” or “What I deserve.” Even from a subconscious standpoint, we often seek out relationships and people that echo our family of origin, which can replicate cycles of abuse and trauma. The first step is recognizing that something is off, that something in the relationship doesn’t feel or sound healthy, either to yourself or to a trusted friend or therapist. If you feel like you are unsafe, please prioritize your safety. If you need help and you are in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Working with a therapist can help greatly when untangling ourselves from the trauma and family cycles that impact our relationships. Removing toxic relationships from family dynamics can be particularly challenging. EMDR therapy, which is deeply rooted in the principles of trauma recovery, offers a powerful framework to navigate these complex situations. Through targeted sessions, individuals can begin to untangle themselves from harmful cycles and find their path toward healing.
Understanding the Power of EMDR Therapy Phoenix
When we experience something that is traumatic, or even a stressor over and over and over again, our bodies and brains can have a hard time digesting the information. This can happen from toxic and abusive relationships. EMDR therapy, an acronym for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, has emerged as a beacon of hope for trauma survivors in Phoenix and beyond. Grounded in evidence-based practices, it provides a safe space to process past experiences and reclaim one's sense of self. Through the skilled guidance of a therapist, clients can experience profound shifts in their healing journey. This can help a person change the narrative and what they are willing to accept as normal both in their relationships as well as their lives and develop better boundaries for healthy relationships. Often, when people are able to process traumas and cycles of abuse that come from their family of origin and toxic relationships, they can start to form a narrative that is more true and more authentic to the person they truly are. This can help them feel empowered and not held back by these old relationships and empower their ability to move forward into healthier relationships. More on how EMDR Therapycan be applied and helpful for each Enneagram type is below.
Photo Description: Enneagram of personality - nine distinct types and their interrelationships (reformer, helper, achiever, individualist, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger, peacemaker) presented with colorful crumpled sticky notes, white chalk on blackboard.
Photo by marekuliasz
The Enneagram and Personalized Healing
Understanding your Enneagram type can offer personalized insights into how you may navigate the process of letting go of toxic relationships and fostering healthy connections:
Type 1 - The Perfectionist
Practice self-compassion and recognize that past mistakes or unhealthy relationships do not define you. Be kind to yourself and set boundaries with others. It’s also important to set realistic expectations and allow room for imperfection, both in yourself and others. Embrace the learning that comes from vulnerability. Type Ones may benefit from setting clear boundaries and practicing self-compassion. EMDR therapy can help release the inner critic and pave the way for authentic self-expression.
Type 2 - The Helper
Focus on self-care and shift some of the care and attention you give to others towards yourself. Prioritize your own needs and well-being. Practice setting boundaries and learn to say "no" when necessary. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial in maintaining balanced relationships. For Twos, it's important to remember that self-care is not selfish. EMDR therapy can support them in recognizing their own needs and establishing balanced relationships.
Type 3 - The Achiever
Explore your authenticity and reflect on your true desires and values outside of external achievements. Embrace your genuine self. Embrace vulnerability and allow yourself to express genuine emotions, even if they aren't associated with success or productivity. Threes may find value in exploring their true selves beyond external achievements. EMDR therapy can facilitate a deeper understanding of their core identity.
Type 4 - The Individualist
Cultivate self-acceptance, celebrate your uniqueness, and embrace the full spectrum of your emotions. You are valuable just as you are. Seek healthy connections and surround yourself with people who appreciate your individuality and support your growth. Fours can use EMDR therapy to explore their emotions and find their unique voice. It's an opportunity to embrace their authenticity and let go of comparison.
Type 5 - The Investigator
Practice trust and allow yourself to trust others at your own pace. Not everyone is out to take advantage of you. Share Knowledge and use your wealth of information and insights to build connections rather than withdraw. Fives can benefit from EMDR therapy to process past experiences and build trust in relationships. It provides a safe space for emotional exploration.
Type 6 - The Loyalist
Build self-trust and cultivate confidence in your own judgment and decisions. Trust that you have the ability to discern healthy relationships. Lean on support and seek out trusted individuals who can provide reassurance and help you navigate challenges. Building a support network is crucial for Sixes. EMDR therapy can help in releasing fear-based patterns and fostering a sense of safety.
Type 7 - The Enthusiast
Embrace stillness and allow yourself moments of quiet reflection and introspection. It's okay to sit with discomfort and process emotions. Commit to depth and challenge yourself to explore deeper connections, even if they require vulnerability and may not always be "exciting."Sevens may find value in grounding themselves and facing discomfort. EMDR therapy can support them in finding fulfillment in deeper connections.
Type 8 - The Challenger
Cultivate vulnerability and allow yourself to express softer emotions and show your true self, even if it feels uncomfortable. Seek healthy power dynamics and look for relationships where power is shared and mutual respect is at the forefront. Eights can use EMDR therapy to explore vulnerability and establish healthy power dynamics in relationships.
Type 9 - The Peacemaker
Express your needs and practice asserting your desires and boundaries. Your needs are just as valid as anyone else's. Embrace individuality and recognize and celebrate your unique voice and perspective. You have a valuable contribution to make. Nines may benefit from using EMDR therapy to assert their needs and find their authentic voice within relationships.
For people who felt a little taken aback by their Enneagram result, I can not recommend enough that you listen to this podcast, Beyond Trauma. Their Enneagram series is fantastic. The hosts approach the nine different types with compassion and a possibility for growth. If you are looking to discover your Enneagram type, I would suggest checking out this quiz and Beatrice Chestnut’s book “The Complete Enneagram 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge”.
Photo Description: EMDR Therapy Phoenix - Kandace Ledergerber.
Picture description: White woman with short curly hair smiling at the viewer in a field with greenery, wearing a navy blue tank top with sunflowers.
In the heart of Phoenix, the journey toward healing from trauma and letting go of toxic relationships is both empowering and liberating but can also be difficult and challenging. EMDR therapy can serve as a cornerstone in this process, offering a powerful framework for transformation. By recognizing the signs of toxicity, navigating family cycles, and understanding your Enneagram type, individuals can reclaim their authentic voices and move forward on a path of healing.
Remember, you are not alone on this journey. Together, we can create a space for transformation, resilience, and growth.
If you have recently gotten out of a toxic relationship or are recognizing some toxicity in your family of origin and are ready to start your healing journey, I would love to help you find a therapist that fits your needs. If you want to read more about EMDR therapy and how I work you can click here. If you are ready to start the healing journey and you feel like we may be a good fit, please connect by scheduling a free 15-minute consultation.
Stay strong lovely souls and please know you deserve all of the healing, love, and light the world can offer.
