To the Partners of Sexual Abuse Survivors (3 Top Mistakes and How to Better Support your Partner) From EMDR Therapy Phoenix
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Being a trauma survivor or being the partner to a trauma survivor (or both) can feel like a roller coaster much of the time. There are times when things feel amazing and you are both in sync with one another and what the other person needs. But sometimes, there are these moments where you or your partner react from a place deep within you that feels so scarred, torn, and terrifying. On the receiving end, this can feel confusing, disorientating, and frustrating. You might also feel a sense of powerlessness or helplessness, seeing your partner grapple with something that feels so big, and be unsure as to how to help. If you are both dealing with a trauma history, it can feel like a dysregulated catapult throwing each of you from one emotion and experience to the next. The good news - it doesn’t have to feel this way. Trauma does not have to define your present or your future. There are ways you can help your partner, and if you are a survivor of trauma, help yourself.
Sexual abuse survivors and trauma survivors deal with a lot in terms of trauma reactions and responses, regulating their nervous system in the day-to-day, and not to mention managing and coping with everyday issues and life. This doesn't mean, however, that the partners of sexual abuse and trauma survivors also don't struggle and need help to navigate with their partners. The following 3 of the top mistakes I often hear from the survivors I work with and how partners can find a better balance in supporting their loved ones. If you're reading this and wondering, "What the heck is a trauma response?" Click here to read more.
The Three Top Mistakes Partners of Sexual Abuse Survivors Often Make & What To Do Instead
1. Take Trauma Responses Personally - Trauma responses are challenging to understand and grapple with because when you live with or beside them, they can feel like they come out of nowhere. It’s kind of like being too close to a painting or a picture. When it’s right in front of your face, it’s harder to see the full picture. The truth is that trauma responses rarely come from nowhere, it’s just not a physical space and it can be difficult to spot from close up. A trauma response, in short, is when your or your partner's nervous system was thrown so out of wack that it lingered for years. For that moment in time, the body and brain did not feel safe, heard, capable, enough, or in control. And when their body or brain is reminded of this time, it's like it's happening all over again. This is not a personal attack on you. It's a reaction to trauma. In these moments, grounding can be so essential. Because the body and brain don't understand they are safe now, they are too busy reliving the past. If they can ground themselves back into the present moment, they can come out of the past and back to the present. If you need some help getting started, check out these guided meditation resources I use in EMDR Therapy. When you notice yourself, or your partner, reacting in this way, take a moment to ground yourself or help your partner ground themselves. This does not have to look like a 10-minute meditation, it can be something as simple as taking a few deep breaths, walking barefoot outside, or holding an ice cube in your hand for 5 seconds. Something to remind the brain and body that they are not stuck in the past trauma but are safe here in the present.
2. Not Regulating Yourself - This is an important one and I know that often this is the advice that is given the most. And for good reason, after all, aren’t we always instructed to “Put on your oxygen mask before helping others.” This applies here too. And while it can be difficult to put into practice, it doesn’t have to be. Self-regulation and self-care do not have to be an elaborate day at the spa (although those are amazing), it can something as simple as putting on a nice-smelling lotion, making a cup of tea or coffee, and breathing in the aroma deeply for a few minutes. It can be a quick 5-minute meditation, breathing exercise, or walking outside. The important thing is that you are caring for yourself when you and your partner are not actively dealing with a trauma response. Trauma responses can feel like a whirlwind, so taking time to regulate yourself can help the intensity of the situation, especially if you've had a trauma of your own. Take a moment to remind yourself that the trauma reaction is not personal, and breathing can help recenter and shift your perspective, so you are not reacting out of the emotion you are feeling. And remember self-care is more than bubble baths; reading good books, taking time for therapy, moving the body, and eating nutritious foods are just as important.
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3. Shutting Down and Closing Off Communication - This in and of itself can be a survival technique if you are feeling threatened or unsafe. If the situation has escalated or is dangerous, please call 911. If it is safe, but you know shutting down is a survival mechanism, ask yourself what you need to feel safe now. Having a conversation with your partner outside of trauma responses about this can be especially helpful. If you talk about this outside of the trauma reaction, you and your partner can determine ways to regulate and feel safe in those times. This can be a frank conversation (when you both are feeling relaxed and safe) addressing what leads one or both of you to feel triggered, how the other partner can help in those moments, and what each other needs to feel safe and keep communication open. If you both know the expectations and needs of the other, prior to being in a heated moment, you’re able to respond from a place of knowledge rather than just pure reaction.
I hope this has been helpful for both you and your loved one. If you have any questions, I would love to hear from you.
Tips from an EMDR Therapist in Phoenix, AZ
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Find time to regulate yourself - even if it’s just for five minutes a day. It could be the simplest of activities, but find something that helps you feel regulated and grounded.
Have conversations with your partner, and set ground rules for when the other is going through a trauma response, talk about what is helpful and what is not during those times.
Take time with your partner to have fun and reconnect! Do something you both enjoy and can be in the present with each other.
If you notice you or someone you love dealing with trauma responses and feeling overwhelmed, maybe it's time to look into therapy. EMDR therapy can be especially beneficial for trauma to help the survivor move out of trauma responses and into healing.
If you're wondering if EMDR therapy may be a good fit for you, I offer free 15-minute consultations. I'd love to talk with you about your needs and if I can be one to help.
My specialties include EMDR Therapy Phoenix, Online EMDR therapy, EMDR Therapy Tampa, Sexual Abuse Therapy and Anxiety Therapy,
